“I am a believer of Jesus. May I pray and give you a shot?”
Illustration by: Go Eunsun

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I was born as the youngest of two sons and five daughters in a daughter-rich family. When I was three years old, my father died suddenly and My family was not doing well. So my mother had to take all kinds of unpleasant tasks. I was not even good in my studies in a situation where my sister and brother paid for their younger sibling’s tuition and living expenses. Meanwhile, I thought, I’m a nuisance to my family because I’m a person nothing good at, and so, I desired to die and thought of ways to commit suicide. Though I didn’t know whether God exists, but sometimes I argued why he made me. I used to be horrendous and atrocious to my mum about why she gave birth to me.

After my father died, my mother began to attend a church under the guidance of a deacon and prayed at dawn prayer meeting without skipping a day. And her youngest daughter, who goes through nasty puberty, was given a deacon’s daughter as a friend who attends church well.

Then one day, I followed my friend to church without any special expectations, I sat far away from her and just closed my eyes. And suddenly I heard a voice, “I love you.” I know you.” The voice was heard from the heart. Knowing that it was God’s voice, I wailed and cried for a couple of hours and confessed, “I’m a sinner.” I didn’t know why I was doing that. It was just flowing from deep inside.

God suddenly met me at the most miserable and the darkest moment of my life, and shone a bright light on that darkest heart. The situation hasn’t changed, I’m still not good at anything, and even it’s getting darker in the evening, but suddenly the world seemed bright. How can I express the joy and peace in words?

Since then, I have thought that I shouldn’t live like this anymore because I am a person God loves, and after thinking about what I could make God happy, and I made a decision to become a nurse.

I worked at Gangnam Severance hospital for 20 years as a nurse. On the first day I went to the hospital, the pastor suddenly prayed to God that he would send me as a missionary. That prayer has reminded me that I am a missionary throughout the working period. I used to pray when I met patients having a hard time, and at that time, I was praying for a particular patient worried in mind. The patient was hospitalized countless times with an severe pain for 10 years due to refractory disease and underwent about 10 surgeries. On that day also, five days have passed since a surgery, but the pain was severe that he was in great pain. The patient asked for painkillers and I took narcotic painkillers into the syringe. The patient looked so pitiful and what courage I had, I suddenly said,

“I’m a believer in Jesus, I’ll pray and give you an injection.”
With the patient’s consent, I held the patient in a six-person room and prayed. “God, I feel like I am dying. Please save him.” In crying I finished prayer, gave him an injection, and left the hospital room.

The patient told me that he slept a little for the first time after the surgery that night, taking painkillers at dawn. And when I went to work after three days off, the patient was in a very good condition. The patient said he had prayed in a prayer room, and wanted to read the Bible because he wanted to believe in Jesus. Hallelujah!

I told him that there are many Bible in my house, so, I would bring him a Bible, and asked my husband to buy me a Bible on his way home from work. And I introduced him to our church, and the patient gradually recovered and was discharged safely.

I’m still not good enough and full of mistakes. What am I good at? Will I be able to do well in the future? I keep getting scared. But when I looked back, at every moment of my life, though I had neither ability nor wisdom, but God made me to live my life, who is not good enough. With God’s ability, with God’s wisdom.

When I go to the place of prayer after thinking bad due to uncomfortable situation with my colleagues, I feel that I am not qualified to be a person of God and feel sorry to God. Nevertheless, because God loves me as I am, despite I feel ashamed, still I can move toward God, today.

Ahn, Hye-young.

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